he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
