At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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