I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
