drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
