I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
