I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Also, beer. Big fan.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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