Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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