Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize