why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
