My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
