I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
