my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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