I'd wear matching sweaters with you
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
