I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize