She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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