I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
