I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
