am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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