also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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