remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
