R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
