There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
