dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
