I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
