Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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