Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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