It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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