my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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