can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Let's get the cat blown out
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
