You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
