I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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