I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
