I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
