My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
