There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
