i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Is it because I queefed?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
