also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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