evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
