You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
