there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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