I didn't shave. On purpose
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
