Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
