hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
