he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
