How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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