Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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