i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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