dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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