I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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