Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
