The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
