My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Do vagina's smell?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
