I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
