my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
