Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
