There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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