did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
