I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she smelled like a LAN party
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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